6.25.2015

The first time I've seen anyone kicked off a plane

We took a trip to Michigan last weekend for a friend's wedding. On the return trip, our plane was supposed to leave at 8:03 p.m. Eastern time, putting us on the ground at 10:15 p.m. Pacific.

So we were at the point when everyone was already on the plane and there had been the, "Okay, everyone's here and settled and the doors are closed so we'll be leaving any minute" announcement. Then we started to hear a little commotion behind us, and a woman started pacing up the aisle.

She started from maybe three or four rows behind me and was walking up to about four rows ahead of me, and then would pace back and forth. So in this huge plane with double aisles, she was right next to me, which is fabulous.

She was ranting and raving about her laptop, which she was holding in her hand and waving (somewhat) wildly.

"My HUSBAND," she yelled, "has turned to perverts! It's all in here" She held the laptop up. "I'm just trying to make better life for my family! My family and husband are in Philippines and I just want to make better life! The GOVERNMENT is doing this to us, don't you see? It's ALL IN HERE!"

And so on and so forth.

It probably only lasted about 45 seconds or so, but it felt like forever, and I also very strongly felt like I was going to get hit in the head by a laptop at any second.

About 15 seconds into the commotion, a flight attendant in the opposite aisle said, "Oh no, she's gotta go," which we really enjoyed, but then it took a while for anyone to actually usher her toward the front. They finally did, though, and she didn't resist a lot, but she also didn't go willingly. She was still ranting the whole time, though she had stopped yelling, and the flight attendant had to kind of push her along.

So she's off the plane, hallelujah, but then they had to get all her carry-on items and her checked luggage off, because you can't be too careful, obviously.

About ten minutes later, they made an adorable announcement that went something like, "We'd like to apologize for that commotion toward the back of the plane; it seems one of your fellow passengers wasn't enjoying her Delta experience, but she, her carry-ons and her checked bags have been removed. She will be staying here and we will be leaving very soon. We'll try to make it up to you."

But hold onto your hats, everyone, because that's not the end of the story.

A couple of minutes later, which like, lucky for her that we hadn't left yet, this obnoxious pregnant woman calls the flight attendant and asks if she can leave. "Sorry, I just, I'm pregnant and I don't feel comfortable being on this plane anymore after what happened."

I mean, honestly. First of all, maybe speak up about ten minutes ago so that we don't have to sit here waiting for you after we already sat here waiting for the other woman and her stuff to leave.

Secondly, maybe calm down and don't be a complete paranoid idiot. There is absolutely no reason for you to need to leave. The plane is safe. They even removed her checked bags. Also she obviously went through security so there almost 100 percent was never any danger in the first place. All the rest of us are being normal humans and staying on the plane and -- spoiler alert -- we're all going to get there just fine. You, on the other hand, probably won't even get to LA until like, midday tomorrow and will regret your decision immensely when you check the flight status and see our plane didn't crash.

So anyway, we have to wait absolutely forever for her, her child, her unborn child, their stroller, all their other carry-ons, and -- last, but not least -- her very embarrassed husband (who probably spent those ten minutes in between the first lady getting kicked off and his wife speaking up trying to convince her to stay) to leave the plane.

And then, after all that, there was a mechanical issue that delayed us another 45 minutes.

They did try to make it up to us, though, by making all the movie and TV options free, as well as giving us free drinks. I watched Still Alice and cried like a little baby. And we all know how expensive alcohol is on a plane.

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