12.31.2011

Mary Baker guest blogs: Things not to say to someone who's had a miscarriage

Recently, my husband and I experienced a personal tragedy in the death of our unborn baby. I was 10 weeks pregnant and in a routine ultrasound at my first doctor appointment, it was found that our baby did not have a heartbeat. We had no signs or warnings that anything was wrong with me or the baby so we were completely shocked. We had been trying for this baby for 7 months and it is pretty safe to say we are devastated.

You may be wondering how the death of one’s child finds them sharing on a blog about hating people. Allow me to explain! I want to provide you with a list of things you should never say to someone whose baby has just died. Let me say that these comments do not apply to my closest friends and family. The list below pertains to the people who I have never met or do not know who are trying to console me.

First is the ever popular phrase, “I am so sorry for the loss of your baby/I’m so sorry you lost your baby.” I did not lose my baby. I know exactly where it is! It was living and growing in my body, and now it is in a pathology lab. It is not lost.

The second favorite phrase is, “How are you?” This was especially annoying the day after we found out, when I had my surgery. You can pretty much count on the fact that I am going to be bad for a while. A better option for this phrase is, “How are you today?” This is more time specific and doesn’t send me reeling.
 
Another good one is, “God must have needed your baby.” Excuse me? If you believe, like I do (or even if you don't) you can understand how this would make me crazy. The God of the universe, creator of all things, who knows how many hairs are on my head, needed my 10 week old baby? I highly doubt that. Please don’t ever say this to anyone…ever…again.

Finally, the worst thing you can say to someone whose baby just died is…sharing the story/stories of how your baby, your sister’s, your daughter’s, your neighbor’s baby died. With all of the miscarriages and deaths I have heard about in the last three weeks, it is a miracle that there are any living people on this earth. Apparently there is never a pregnancy that ends in a live child coming home with their parents.

You may be thinking, “What can I say then?” The best thing is nothing. Just give that person or couple a hug…that is, if you actually know them.

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