Recently, my husband and I experienced a personal tragedy in the death of our unborn baby. I was 10 weeks pregnant and in a routine ultrasound at my first doctor appointment, it was found that our baby did not have a heartbeat. We had no signs or warnings that anything was wrong with me or the baby so we were completely shocked. We had been trying for this baby for 7 months and it is pretty safe to say we are devastated.
You may be wondering how the death of one’s
child finds them sharing on a blog about hating people. Allow me to explain! I want to provide you with a list of things you should never say to someone whose baby has just died. Let me say that these comments do not apply
to my closest friends and family. The
list below pertains to the people who I have never met or do not know who are
trying to console me.
First is the ever popular phrase, “I am so sorry for the
loss of your baby/I’m so sorry you lost your baby.” I did not lose my baby. I know exactly
where it is! It was living and growing
in my body, and now it is in a pathology lab. It is not lost.
The second favorite phrase is, “How are you?” This was especially annoying the day after we
found out, when I had my surgery. You can pretty much count on the fact that I am going to be bad
for a while. A better option for this
phrase is, “How are you today?” This is
more time specific and doesn’t send me reeling.
Another good one is, “God must have needed your baby.” Excuse me?
If you believe, like I do (or even if you don't) you can understand how this would make
me crazy. The God of the universe,
creator of all things, who knows how many hairs are on my head, needed my 10 week
old baby? I highly doubt that. Please don’t
ever say this to anyone…ever…again.
Finally, the worst thing you can say to someone whose baby
just died is…sharing the story/stories of how your baby, your sister’s, your daughter’s,
your neighbor’s baby died. With all of
the miscarriages and deaths I have heard about in the last three weeks, it is a
miracle that there are any living people on this earth. Apparently there is never a pregnancy that
ends in a live child coming home with their parents.
You may be thinking, “What can I say then?” The best thing is nothing. Just give that person or couple a hug…that is, if you actually know them.