A perfect Pinterest proposal

The internet, with its plethora of "BEST ENGAGEMENT EVER" ideas, has made it difficult to impress the person you're proposing to. What used to be a once-in-a-lifetime proposal is now run-of-the-mill and expected.

I find this annoying.

I don't want to expand on that too much in this post, though. This post is about something a little more specific.

I've been seeing a lot of pins (on Pinterest, in case you're not hip) lately about engagement "rules."

The first time I saw this pin, it was one of those "secret photographer" shots of the proposal moment and the caption started with, "Only three rules," followed by a list of rules.

Okay, hold on. First of all, ONLY three rules? Having rules at all is already too much. Talking with your significant other about what you expect is one thing. But setting rules? What are you going to do if the rules aren't followed? Say no? (If the answer to that is yes, that's a problem.)

Now, let's add to that the fact that I've also seen this pin with up to five or six rules in the caption instead of three. That is TOO MANY RULES.

So let's get down to the rules themselves. I've collected the full list of six here:

1. "Ask my dad's permission." Asking permission, while somewhat archaic, is a very well-known "requirement." Almost everyone does it without being told, so I'm not offended by it. Moving on.
2. "Make it a COMPLETE surprise." Wanting it to be a surprise is also acceptable, in my opinion. A "COMPLETE surprise" is a little much. Do you not want to know it's coming at all? Because it's probably good to at least discuss getting engaged before popping the question. Everyone needs to be on the same page here, right?
3. "Use my full name." No. This is too much. Setting rules for what has to be said is a terrible idea, especially because they are going to be so nervous. Proposing is difficult. No matter how much a person has prepared what they want to say, they may forget in the moment. And adding specific things they have to remember makes the pressure even worse.
4. "Get down on one knee." I think this is actually the dumbest one on the list. EVERYONE knows to get down on one knee to propose. Since the on-one-knee thing is so obvious, if they aren't planning on getting on one knee, there's probably a reason. What if they wanted to propose to you on a ski lift? This would be adorable. Would the fact that they can't get down on one knee on a ski lift keep it from being a beautiful proposal? Probably not, right? Then why make it a rule?
5. "Have somebody catch it on camera." No, no, no. Not that there's anything wrong with catching it on camera. But don't make this a requirement. Everyone's different. So you want someone there to capture it on camera, fine. But maybe your significant other (who is obviously the one who has it the hardest here, what with proposing and all) isn't comfortable with someone else being there. Or maybe they just want it to be an intimate moment between the two of you. Don't force them to have someone else there just because you want to have a picture of the occasion.
6. "Make sure my nails are done." ...I mean that's just stupid. I almost don't even want to explain why I hate this so much, but I'm going to anyway. This point invalidates point #2. At least for me, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't suspect something if my boyfriend encouraged me to paint my nails. I would automatically think he was going to propose.

Seriously, guys. Just chill out and be happy that you're in love. Every detail doesn't have to be the way you imagined it for the proposal to be perfect. The fact that you and your boo are going to be together forever is what makes it perfect.

Another collection of bumper stickers

Today's theme is: Things that are not important enough to put on your car.

First up, we have a giant ode to some country album.

I was a little surprised to find out it was country music, as the logo and font makes me think of something closer to ... metal, I guess. Feel free to listen to the first song on the album, "My Baby Looks Good in Camouflage." Yikes.

Next is someone who cares a little too much about a video game.

It says, "Eat. Sleep. Prestige." WOOOO, Call of Duty. I just can't imagine feeling so strongly about a video game that I would want it on my car.

Next is an ode to our favorite mustelid, the honey badger.

Yes, sure, the video is very funny. But to have it ON YOUR CAR? Why?

And finally, a bonus:

Yes, that truck is approximately as tall as the ceilings inside that restaurant.

Seriously, guys, this is a first.

Yesterday, I was training someone on register at Old Navy.

A customer brought in a child's active jacket to exchange and she didn't have her receipt. Normally, we don't allow no-receipt exchanges, (you get a store credit by mail instead) but during January, we make an exception because of the whole Christmas gift issue. So she was going to be able to exchange it; no big deal.

We didn't have the exact item in the size she needed, so she picked out a different child's active jacket. Unfortunately, the one she was bringing back had gone on clearance for $6.49 sometime between when she bought it and when she brought it back, but the one she wanted was $10, which is what she said she paid for the one she was bringing back.

Obviously, if she had her receipt, this wouldn't be an issue because we would know how much she paid for the item. But since she didn't, I could only offer her the current price. (Obviously.)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, she was less than pleased. "This is ridiculous. I paid $10 for this. You can't make me pay the difference." Blah, blah, blah, who cares?

I politely informed her that we had no way to know how much she paid and the jacket was on clearance now, etc., etc. and she huffed and puffed and kept her stupid jacket. "I'll be back with the receipt tomorrow." Okay, lady, no problem.

And of course, she had to let everyone else know exactly how mad she was, so she went to collect her several children from various register lanes, complaining loudly the entire way.

This brings us to today.

I was on register this morning. The same woman walked up to my register, and would you believe it? She apologized.

She said, "I want to apologize for how I acted yesterday. It wasn't your fault that I didn't have the receipt and, especially since you were training someone, I should have been more understanding. It's no excuse, but I have five kids and dragging them all to the mall is a pretty big deal, so I was just hoping to not have to do that again."

At that moment, someone quite possibly could have knocked me over with a feather. In my almost five years at Old Navy, I don't think a bad customer has ever apologized to me. Not once. Seriously, wow.

But the story's not over.

I assured her it wasn't a problem, everyone has bad days, blah blah, whatever. So today, she has the same child's active jacket AND the matching pants, and she would like to exchange both of them for the child's active outfit she has picked out, and if there's a difference in price, it's not a big deal, she'll pay it. (Why she couldn't have paid the three dollar and fifty cent difference yesterday and saved herself another trip to the mall, I don't know.)

So I scanned the jacket, no problem. But then I got to the pants. Not only were they missing the tag, they were also missing what we call the joker tag, which is the little tag inside almost every piece of Old Navy clothing. We use this tag to identify items whose outside tags have been removed. Nobody ever removes the joker tag before wearing the item, because nobody would ever think to remove the joker tag before wearing the item. The only reason people remove the joker tag is because it can sometimes be itchy.

So this tipped me off that the item had been worn. Our return policy begins with the words "Unwashed, unworn merchandise." You may only return items that are UNWASHED and UNWORN. So I started inspecting them a little bit, and good gracious, there was junk and goop and various other child-related nouns all over these pants! These were not only worn, they were stained and caked with disgustingness! There was no way I was accepting these pants!

I said, "Um, these have been worn, haven't they?"

The woman narrowed her eyes and said, "Yes, they have, that's not a problem, is it?"

I answered, "Well ... yeah. I mean, there's stuff all over them and the inside tag's been cut out. I can't accept these, unfortunately."

When I mentioned the inside tag, she glared at her daughter. "Excuse me? When did you cut that out?"

Her daughter sheepishly answered, "At Grandma's. It was really itchy."

I was not having this daughter-blaming thing, so I said, "I wouldn't have returned them even if the tag was left in. They've just obviously been worn."

"But they don't fit her and she only wanted these as an outfit."

"I'm really sorry, but it's pretty clear in our return policy that we can't accept worn items."

And I really meant that. I was sorry. After that lovely apology, I wanted to like this woman. I wanted this to be a story of true redemption. But jeez, lady, you can't return stuff to the store after it's been heavily worn! What do you think this is?

She sighed heavily. She prepared to argue the point. I could see the wheels in her head turning. But you know what? She stopped herself. She had already apologized for the exact thing she was about to do. There was no turning back now.

She returned the jacket and kept the pants. It was a small victory for retail workers everywhere.

I've gotta get you some sweatpants!

I'm not a huge fan of sweatpants. I own one pair and I only wear them around the house. The only time I ever wear them out is if I'm exercising in the winter.

The fact that I don't like to wear sweatpants doesn't necessarily mean I judge people who do wear them. Yes, I will judge you for wearing overly ratty sweatpants in public, and yes, I will judge you for wearing sweatpants to class. But that's pretty much it.

Now that I've exposed my sweatpants bias, I want to tell you a story that happened at Old Navy the other day.

I was checking out two women. One was wearing jeans and one was wearing sweatpants. The one wearing sweatpants was also buying more sweatpants. Go figure. So as I'm checking this woman out, she's going on and on about sweatpants to her friend. "Man, I just love 'em. They're so cute and comfortable. It's all I ever wear," and so on.

Then, she says, "You should wear sweatpants more often."

Her friend says, "I look like a fat ho in sweatpants."

The first woman responds, "No, you don't."

The friend says, "Yes, I do. You've never seen me in sweatpants."

And the first woman answers, "That's right, I haven't! I've gotta get you some sweatpants!"

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

Never in my life have I encountered a bigger advocate of sweatpants! And I just thought it was insane. Who loves sweatpants this much? I mean, I don't know anyone who wears sweatpants when they want to look cute. You wear sweatpants when you're studying late or lounging around the house or don't have anything else to wear. MAYBE you wear cutesy sweatpants when you're running errands. But I don't think very many rational people stand in front of the mirror in sweatpants and think, "Man, I look good."

But anyway, even if we weren't worrying about the fact that this woman enjoys sweatpants entirely too much, WHY in the WORLD is she trying to push them on her friend, who obviously doesn't like them? And it was especially awkward because the sweatpants-lover was really skinny, and the sweatpants-hater was significantly larger. So it's pretty clear that this woman is very self-aware and knows she doesn't look good in sweatpants, only to have her skinny friend insist she's crazy for thinking she doesn't. Way to be a great friend.

And stop wearing sweatpants every day.

"Want U Back" by Cher Lloyd is SO. DUMB.

I'm breaking my unofficial hiatus because the song "Want U Back" by Cher Lloyd fills me with rage.

First, let's talk about the song itself.

1. The very first word — if you can call it that — is "ugh" or something along those lines. It appears in the song 17 times, and I have NO IDEA why. It's not like it's pleasant. It doesn't add to the sound of the song. It's just strange.
2. Now, once we get past that, there's the entire concept of the song itself. Apparently, the narrator thought her lame boyfriend would wait around and pine for her after she dumped him. And I get that that's a thing. Once you see your ex in a new relationship, you regret ever having broken up with them in the first place. (Apparently. I've never experienced this.) But anyway, even if it's a thing, that doesn't give you the right to tell him. This song makes it seem like it's something to be proud of. It makes no sense whatsoever.
3. The second verse is the worst part. "Please, this ain't even jealousy / She ain't got a thing on me / Tryin' to rock them ugly jeans, jeans, jeans." Like...It is clearly jealousy. You want what she has. The fact that you think she's not as good as you doesn't change the definition of jealousy. "I'm sorry, I'm incapable of being jealous of your new girlfriend because her jeans are ugly." Yeah, that makes sense.
4. Next are the lyrics, "You clearly didn't think this through / If what I've been told is true / You'll be crawling back like boo hoo hoo." Like, WHAT was he supposed to think through? You dumped him! Did he not properly think through the whole "moving on" thing? It's just something you do.
5. So then, after talking about how she wants him back for the entire song, she makes it even worse in the bridge, when she says, "I thought you'd still be mine / when I kissed you goodbye." Like, how are you saying this with a straight face? This is what you say sarcastically to someone who feels like this. This girl's friends should be saying, "What, did you think he would be yours forever?" But this is actually what she's saying. 

So whatever. It's a stupid song, and stupid songs happen. Not a big deal. Which is why I didn't blog about it when I first heard it.

But the video. Ohhhhh, the video.

I saw the video during those stupid pre-movie things you have to sit through if you get to a movie theater too early last week, and then again today.

The video makes me so, so angry. Basically, in addition to trying to steal her ex-boyfriend back, she's also decided to terrorize the poor new girlfriend at her workplace, which is just awful.

Drawing in ketchup on the counter? Who does that?

And her awful friends are helping, too! This is not what friends do! Friends tell you you're being crazy and buy you ice cream.

Right before Rihanna-wannabe over here hip-checks the poor waitress

 Also, the customers are inexplicably on Cher's side. Like, if you were eating a meal and a girl came in and started walking on the counter insulting your waitress, I doubt you would be on the girl's side, even if the waitress was really bad at her job.

Yeah, high five! She hasn't given me a refill in like five minutes!

I'm so excited that my waitress just got a milkshake dumped on her!

Also, the face she makes to punctuate the "ugh" noise is absolutely terrible.

She looks like she's in pain.

Then, to make matters worse, I realized that this is the U.S. version of the video, which means there's a non-U.S. version! So I watched it, and it's a hundred times better! Yes, it's the same basic concept and the same awful song, but instead of torturing this girl at work, she's just talking to pictures of them and imagining herself there. So instead of actually doing anything, she just pretends to mess up the poor girl's tattoo and pour water on her head.

Much better.

Geez, why's the enter button so small?

Okay, guys. Here is what the screens of the card readers at Old Navy look like when a person has swiped his or her debit card. The obvious next steps are entering your PIN and then hitting enter.

People press clear a lot when they mean to press enter. This is something that's been a problem since the day I started working at Old Navy. The only thing I can seem to link it to is that they expect the enter button to be where the clear button is, so they hit it without thinking, even though there's a HUGE enter button right beside it.

But it's not a big deal. When a customer says, "Oh, I hit clear instead of enter," I just say, "No problem, that just deleted the last number," and they'll enter the last number again and hit enter. Seriously, no problem.

This happened with a woman today. She typed in her four numbers, hit clear, and said, "Oh, oops, I hit clear." 

I said, "No problem, just enter the last number again."

She laughs and says, "Geez, maybe if the clear button wasn't so much bigger than the enter button, it would be a little easier."

...

The enter button is literally three times the size of the clear button. Don't try to blame the card reader when you're obviously completely wrong.